


A letter to the worst

by Grain_Crain



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: M/M, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 11:54:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13030518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grain_Crain/pseuds/Grain_Crain
Summary: A man can't have his heart broken twice.





	A letter to the worst

This will not be a formal letter or something even close to it. It is just a ramble, a meaningless warning that I give you for breaking my last will to live. If there is such thing as God or some omniscient being in the higher plane of the universe, I truly wish you the best but at the same time, I hope you burn in purgatory for not being able to keep one simple promise that you chose to ignore.

Do you remember the first time I started to notice you? Maybe you noticed me first, using that little gadget of yours. I saw you sitting with your colleague during lunch, laughing along with their stupid jokes and their weird beer drinking competitions. I never thought you as the considerate type so it really surprised me when you started to ask my well-being and how my day was. You always dragged me to the library with Miles, which was frankly the only place that I slept out of boredom. It was such an awkward way of making friends, but I guess it worked. Every time when you were around, the stereo changed into something mild and old rather than some EDM bullshit. I suspected you as the culprit when one of those SAS guys’ pot turned into a deep blend of chamomile tea. It was hilarious to see Mark swear that much but it meant free tea for all of us. I was quite touched when Elena said that chamomile is good for the insomniacs.

For the following incidents, I wished that you talked to me about this. You see, whenever I woke up from my nightmare, I thought the French doctor had some sort of sixth sense to knock into my door and check up on me. When I asked how he knew that I was fumbling on my bed, he simply said a bird told him. On the fifth visit from him, I began to grow suspicious. I had to block the doorway and repeat the question to him till he was annoyed enough to tell me that it was you watching me through the heart sensor. Gotta be honest, I was bit creeped out that you were watching my heartbeat from miles away. Sorry that I hit you on the same night for being such a stalker, but you need understand that I was so fucking weary of people treating me like a potential narcoleptic patient who might faint at any given moment. Actually, I am not that sorry since you hit me back harder. Boy, did we ended up giving bloody nose and lips to each other. I should actually be apologising to the doctor because we gave him more workload. I think I laughed too much when he told you off for frequently treating him like a room service. Then I wondered if you had been awake all this time with me and falling asleep when I am calm. When I asked how you would know when my nightmare wakes me up, you simply showed me your phone alarm. All those alarms had intervals of fifteen minutes and man, that’s when you won my heart over. You hated me for calling you my ‘daddy-bald-head,’ but that really suit you well. What I am really sorry for, is that I made you wait more than three weeks before we start dating. I wasn’t so sure of having another close person in my life and lose them again, especially how we both were operators in dangerous mission. I will cherish those wonderful times we spent together. The cliché movies and dinner, surprise party from your rowdy FBI crew and those nights when I could hold onto you when paranoia hit me hard. I can’t describe and write everything that you did for me and the bond that we share as a couple. It’s immeasurable and I don’t want to taint those precious memories with my hatred towards you.

I absolutely loath you. How you left me vulnerable to those sweet and tender words. You shouldn’t have forced me to retreat when we were surrounded by those terrorists. We could have held them off together until the chopper came to our rescue. It was all my fault to have my shoulder injured, so I was the one who should have stayed behind and fend those fuckers off. You fucking promised. You said that you would catch up with a handful of recruits helping you. You convinced me that I was a hindrance to the team, but I knew you were just saying that to get me away from the scene. Did you know how my heart dropped when the chopper left without you? I screamed at them to get down but they said it was your order to fly out. Fly away from you. Leaving you to die, making me witness my loved one’s death again. Could you even hear me shouting out for your name? You wouldn’t have. I refused to believe the corpse to be your body. It couldn’t have been you, so pale and stiff in that coffin. Those calloused hand that stroked my hair was glued to your chest. Your brown eyes were tightly shut, ignoring my tears and anguish. If you were going to leave me behind, you shouldn’t have cared and showered me with love that I basked in. Now it's empty and cold without you. Sometimes I see you with my brother in the corner of my eyes, getting my hopes up and make me face the dreadful reality when I know it's just an empty space.

This is not a letter or a eulogy. It’s a diary of an ungrateful man blaming his misery on one stupid individual who loved him dearly. A man who tried his hardest to live on and forget about his lover, but now considering the option to end it all. You better still have that heart sensor of yours, because you will get to see how I stop what’s beneath my chest, personally delivering myself to wherever you are. I am coming to you, Jack. Hasta que la muerte nos separe.

**Author's Note:**

> A very short fic but it was easier to write than the long fics that I have written. Almost teared up, putting myself in Ryad's shoes.


End file.
